Stop Letting Shame Stifle Your Career

“I don’t deserve to be the CEO.”

“If they knew about my background, they’d judge me.”

“I can’t believe I botched that presentation.” 

Most people feel shame—and prefer to avoid it—and business leaders are no exception. Prominent researcher Dr. Brené Brown defines it this way:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

In my work as an executive coach, I encounter shame regularly with my clients, but it doesn’t always show up as shame at first. We often need to have a deeper conversation to identify sources of shame and eliminate it using an approach I’ll share in this article. 

For business leaders, shame tends to be less about superficial things like personal appearance and more about deep-seated fears, like feelings of unworthiness. As an example, let’s look at a client of mine, Sara, and how the shame she experienced held her back. 

Sara, a recently promoted C-suite leader, struggled with stepping into her full authority in her new role. She was hesitant to speak up in the boardroom and reluctant to take and hold a position on management-team decisions.

When we first began working together, she wasn’t sure what was in her way. She had a strong analytical background and often found herself ahead of other leaders in processing new information. But when it came to asserting her authority or standing her ground when challenged, she faltered. 

Even when she was confident she knew the right answer, she yielded to others. During decision-making discussions, she fell into line and backed the CEO and board chair, even when she privately disagreed with them.

Sara couldn’t name what was interfering with her performance, and that made it hard for us to address and remove it. Then, more than six weeks into our engagement, we found our answer.

One day, Sara casually commented that she hadn’t emailed her mother from her work account since her promotion. 

When I asked why, she confessed she didn’t want her mother to see her new chief operating officer title in her email signature.

“I come from a small town. People work hard for what they have there, and the work is very physical. Growing up, no one cared that I got good grades. My mother thought if I spent time studying in my room, I was lazy. I learned to keep my achievements to myself.”

I tugged that thread with Sara, asking, “What does the COO title mean to you?” After running through the obvious answers—more responsibility, a raise, a seat at the table—Sara fell silent.

“Honestly, it feels like I’ve gotten too big for my britches,” she confessed.

Finally, we had found the source of her problem: shame. Sara was proud of her new role but didn’t want to draw attention to it. The idea that she was flaunting her new role by mentioning it made her feel ashamed and as though she was somehow sitting in judgment of her parents, family, and upbringing.

I want you to think about your own life and where you might be feeling shame. Do you feel undeserving of your professional title? Does your personal history seem to clash with your career path? Do your friends and family support your professional goals?

Once you’ve identified where you feel unqualified or unworthy, you can begin to address it. 

With Sara, she and I worked to reframe her stories, honoring both how she was raised and the leader she had become. She understood that sharing her achievements wasn’t a rejection of what her family believed. Once she did, she was able to step fully into her C-suite role and soon began delivering the value her team expected.

You should do the same with your sources of shame and reframe your feelings from negative to positive. Managing or avoiding shame at work can be all-consuming for leaders and teams, so it’s worth the time and effort to eliminate it. You’re not undeserving of your success; you’ve worked hard to get where you are. Take whatever beliefs are negatively tied to your identity and subvert them. 

Regardless of how it shows up or whether it is real or imagined, shame is the strongest obstacle to a performer’s effective inner game, but if you’re able to identify and subvert your shame, you’ll come out more confident in yourself than before. 

For more advice on improving your professional performance, find Naked at Work on Amazon.  More coaching is available at Avenue 8 On-Demand, on the topics of The Power of Story, Spectacular Failure: The Secret to Success, and more.

Danessa Knaupp is an executive coach, CEO, and keynote speaker, shifting the global conversation on leadership. She has coached hundreds of executives across every major industry and has developed a reputation as a candid, compassionate and courageous leadership partner. She is the author of the leadership manual, Naked at Work: A Leader’s Guide to Fearless Authenticity. She regularly addresses C-suite audiences on how to harness the power of real authenticity (not #authenticity) to drive measurable business results. Danessa earned her executive coaching credentials from Georgetown University, is credentialed by the International Coach Federation, and holds a B.A. in Psychology and Sociology from the College of William and Mary. She spent more than 20 years as an entrepreneur and a senior executive, and ultimately, CEO, before founding her coaching practice. Connect with her at danessaknaupp.com.